And Now, The News...

Location: Yuma, Arizona
Year: 1995

In '95, I was living in Mesa, Arizona. I worked in a US West building at Thomas and Central. A year before, US West made the decision to undertake 'Reengineering' - a complete upheaval of the work force. USW decided to close the 'centers' in most major cities and group them all in new 'Supercenters' in selected cities throughout the company. They were closing the test centers in Phoenix and Tucson and other cities and locating the Supercenters in five other cities - Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Des Moines (known to us Bell Heads as 'DUH Moines') and Minneapolis. I was told my job was gone and I had to choose one of the new Supercenters to work in. I asked everybody where it snowed the LEAST (I'm a desert rat first, people) and selected Seattle after much consideration. Momma and I undertook a 'fairwell tour' to Yuma to see the family before we took off to the Great Northwest.

We drove to Yuma and got a room at the Holiday Inn out on the curve (32nd St. and Fourth Ave). It was early afternoon, so we headed over the my sisters house and visited with her and the nephews a while. After we left there, there was one thing we HAD to do - go to Mr. G's for some green chile burritos and rolled tacos. After procuring the bounty, we headed back to the hotel room to eat and rest. It had been a long few weeks, packing and getting ready for the move, and we were always tired during that period.

I must provide the background at this point. Bear with me.

When I was in 7th grade, I fell madly in love with a girl named Debbie. Crazy, knee-shaking, mind-frizzing nuts in love with this girl. I could barely talk, much less breathe when she was nearby. So, being the crazy guy that I am, I wanted to get her a gift worthy on my affection. There lived in my neighborhood an old rock hound that made jewelry out of the stones he found in the desert around Yuma. And there are a LOT of rocks around Yuma. I had grown to know this man from my newspaper route I had at the time. So, I went over to this guys house and in a very blushy manner asked him if he would make me a ring worthy of Debbie. After haggling a price I could afford on a newspaper boys wages, he soon made me a silver band with some sparkly rock in it. I think it was a Tiger Eye, but I'm probably remembering it wrong. Regardless, I had my gift.

The next school day where I had a chance during recess, I gave the ring to Debbie. She seemed to like it and was showing all her friends. One of her friends was Carol Ford - my soon-to-be nemesis.

For whatever reason, Carol decided that it was inappropriate for a 7th grader to be getting rings from other 7th graders. She basically badgered Debbie into giving the ring back to me and eventually driving the two of us apart. Still pisses me off, 40 years later.

Fast-forward to a dumpy hotel room (we weren't rich yet) in a Holiday Inn in Yuma, Arizona in 1995. Our lives were being uprooted by a company that didn't care and I was being forced to leave my native state for a complete unknown - Seattle, Washington. It was looking a little bleak to us at that point and every day was an agitation of unknowns and surprises and lots and lots of leaving things we felt comfortable with.

I was sitting at a table in that hotel room, eating my Mr. G's comfort food (I still remember the feeling) and watching KBLU, channel 2. It was getting dark and the news was coming on. I turned the set down a bit as Momma had fallen asleep on the bed...

AND THERE ON THE SCREEN, READING ME THE INSIPID LOCAL NEWS WAS... CAROL FORD. THAT Carol Ford. And she was doing it BADLY. Seems it was her FIRST DAY ON THE JOB. Wow. I was just aghast at seeing Carol Ford on the TV and at the same time loving the disastrous job she was doing. And I guess, to be fair, it was probably a scary deal, first time on the air and all. I can see that. But what happened next proved to me that there WAS a Universe out there that loved me and was going to show me JUST HOW MUCH IT LOVED ME.

After butchering the copy for a few minutes, they broke for a commercial. You know how they do this - they fade back from the news desk while an off-camera voice says they'll be right back and giving a little teaser about what's coming up next, while in the background the news anchor plays with their papers and chats to the cameraman or whoever. Right? Oh, yeah...

As the camera was pulling back and the happy little voice was telling me what's coming up next, in the background Carol was in FULL MELTDOWN MODE. She silently screams FUCK at the guy off-stage and slams her papers down on her desk! I guess she didn't like her performance as much as I was loving it! She must have yelled FUCK at least a couple of times! I didn't hear it, but I can reads lips THAT well. She was NOT a happy camper!

Well, what was a guy to do?

I proceeded to damn near choke to death, alternately laughing, screaming "DOWN IN FLAMES" at the TV, inhaling a damn burrito and in all this ruckus, waking Momma up rather rudely. I was in heaven! And Momma just could not get me to shut up long enough to tell her what the commotion was. The chair I was sitting in was tipped over backward on the floor, burrito stuffing was everyhwere, mostly on me, and here this madman in her hotel room was choking, laughing and crying all at the same time!

I finally caught my breath, and a little sanity, long enough to tell Momma what I saw. I could NOT wait until the news came back on... Problem was, when the news came back on, Carol weren't there. Pulled a complete disappearing act. Some other newscaster was in her chair and reading the news! Replay the laughing, choking and crying for me - I just could NOT believe what I had just witnessed - Carol Ford's comeupance by said Universe, all for me...


P.S. Fast forward again, this time to Beaverton, Oregon around 2005 or so. Momma and I are sitting in an Olive Garden and who do I believe is sitting at a table nearby? Yep, I SWEAR it was Carol 'And Now The News' Ford. If it was not for Momma and Andy and the guy Carol was with, I would have made a complete ASS out of myself pointing at her and yelling 'SUCK' at the top of my lungs. Thankfully I didn't. And I'm still not sure it was her. My heart says it was, but I just could not be 100% sure.. What were the odds, anyway?

And that's the way it was, in Yuma, Arizona, sometime in 1995. Good Night.